Going Along...

I've been ignoring him for the last couple of days and I don't know if that is what affected his decision. Two days ago, I invited him over to discuss the children and the separation of bills and such.

The first thing out of his mouth is, "I decided I want the divorce."

In my head I'm thinking...yeah, so, what's the catch?

I had already decided we were getting divorced, he had already asked for it since the beginning of December...so why is this the first thing he says. And then I remembered.

For some reason, he was still contemplating if divorcing was the right thing to do for him and the kids, but not for me. So I stare at him with a blank expression, because honestly there is a lot of crap in my head... mostly what am I cooking for dinner the next night, or when am I going to have the opportunity to actually sit down and update one of the stories I have posted on fanfiction. He thinks I'm having a breakdown or something because he tells me to stop blaming myself, that it's his fault, his decision.

I'm still thinking of story lines and such, and he continues that I self depricate because I love him so much that I rather blame myself than him. Okay, this is the part I want to either laugh or cry, because I honestly don't know how to react. Instead I milk it.

I say, "I should have tried harder."

Maybe I should become an actress, because he believed it. But the moment I said the words, I realized how true they were. I should have tried harder, or I should have tried to save my marriage.

But all this is water under bridge, not important anymore. What is important is trying to figure out how to get out of al these bills and find a way to support my kids. Now that he's moved out, the money will be tighter due to the expense of the new apartment. Things are a stand-still as of now, and I'm itching to start nursing school. But in the meantime, what I can do is continue to write my stories, continue to run the household, continue to help my kids get through this.

And perhaps it's time that I write something different in this blog rather than my depressing thoughts on divorce... after all... this is supposed to be about random thoughts and bitz.

Here is something random and completely true.

I ran into a bunch of firefighters at a restaurant, and let me tell you, they had my complete attention. It was as if I was drawn to the sheer imaginary power they possessed. How is this possible. Cops don't do it for me, but apparently firefighters do, even the chick that was with them...oh, the possibilities.