Moving In.

He texted me this morning saying that he needed to talk to me today about the living arrangements. As far as I'm concerned, there isn't enough money to maintain two households. It drove me crazy all day, and it really wasn't fair of him to text me that message and have me wait all damn day to find out what arrangements he was talking about.

When he came home, he started to immediately pack his things. I knew. I knew at that moment that he was finally moving out. Where? Well, that became evident soon after.

Apparently he's moving in with the girl he wasn't seeing anymore. They are not only together, but he's moving in to her home, with her kids.

What a fucking happy family, right?

I went crazy. I became angry, so very angry. Everything I had been holding in came out at that moment. How dare he come into my home, dump his dirty laundry, and begin to pack the clean one to move in with another girl? How is that right? How is that fair? I screamed, I threatened, I cried, and I still don't feel any better.

I feel worse. He'll be coming in the rest of the week to get his things slowly. He also informed me that he's looking into buying a house.  Years of begging him to buy a house for our family didn't mean anything to him until this moment. Because apparently now is the time to do it.

The kids needs stability and he thinks it's okay for him to take my kids to her home, or come visit some days and that is stability.

I am so mad, so saddened, scared and have all these emotions running rampant inside of me. If I ever needed my friend's ear, advice, and support... it would be now.

Going Along...

I've been ignoring him for the last couple of days and I don't know if that is what affected his decision. Two days ago, I invited him over to discuss the children and the separation of bills and such.

The first thing out of his mouth is, "I decided I want the divorce."

In my head I'm thinking...yeah, so, what's the catch?

I had already decided we were getting divorced, he had already asked for it since the beginning of December...so why is this the first thing he says. And then I remembered.

For some reason, he was still contemplating if divorcing was the right thing to do for him and the kids, but not for me. So I stare at him with a blank expression, because honestly there is a lot of crap in my head... mostly what am I cooking for dinner the next night, or when am I going to have the opportunity to actually sit down and update one of the stories I have posted on fanfiction. He thinks I'm having a breakdown or something because he tells me to stop blaming myself, that it's his fault, his decision.

I'm still thinking of story lines and such, and he continues that I self depricate because I love him so much that I rather blame myself than him. Okay, this is the part I want to either laugh or cry, because I honestly don't know how to react. Instead I milk it.

I say, "I should have tried harder."

Maybe I should become an actress, because he believed it. But the moment I said the words, I realized how true they were. I should have tried harder, or I should have tried to save my marriage.

But all this is water under bridge, not important anymore. What is important is trying to figure out how to get out of al these bills and find a way to support my kids. Now that he's moved out, the money will be tighter due to the expense of the new apartment. Things are a stand-still as of now, and I'm itching to start nursing school. But in the meantime, what I can do is continue to write my stories, continue to run the household, continue to help my kids get through this.

And perhaps it's time that I write something different in this blog rather than my depressing thoughts on divorce... after all... this is supposed to be about random thoughts and bitz.

Here is something random and completely true.

I ran into a bunch of firefighters at a restaurant, and let me tell you, they had my complete attention. It was as if I was drawn to the sheer imaginary power they possessed. How is this possible. Cops don't do it for me, but apparently firefighters do, even the chick that was with them...oh, the possibilities.

Rage

That is the exact emotion I feel...Rage.

I let him string me along, and no matter how many times I told myself that he is leaving anyways and not to believe that we still have a chance, I still believed and let him fool me.

I let him take the best of of me, time and time again. I confronted him today. Told him to basically make a choice and figure out if he really wants me. Stop stringing me along.

He became defensive, because how is he supposed to know what it is he feels?

So I decided for him. It's over.

And I'm mad.

Now what? What the hell am I supposed to do now?

My kids had no reaction to the news. "Daddy is gone, and I don't think he's coming back."

"Oh, okay. I'm hungry," was their response.

One friend of mine made a comment today that resonated a lot with me. She told her ex... and sorry if I get the wording wrong...."You are the best thing that never happened to me."

Again, sorry if I got that wrong. But somewhere along those lines her intentions were very clear. She was able to move on.

I want to move on now more than ever. I don't want to become a whore and sleep around, I want to find that damn connection that movies try so hard to sell to me.

I love my movies and books.... but sometimes, Fuck! I feel brainwashed as I wait for my own Edward Cullen to come and declare his undying love to me, even if he wants to kill me, too. Where is my own Noah building our future home and waiting for me to get my shit straight and my head out of this funk.

Damn you Hollywood.

Moving Forward?

He's finally moved out... and I don't know how to feel about it. There is sadness along with emptiness. It was a quick goodbye to the kids and a hug for me.

A hug.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Hell! He should have pat my back and wished me luck. That would have been the perfect companion to the hug.

My friend Helluvabell has been a great distraction. Just when I feel like I can't feel, she brings the smiles back and reminds me that there are different truths to all the angles. Everyone tends to see the situation with colored eyes, not really seeing the whole spectrum. She helps me see the bigger picture and gives me hope the future... as corny as that may sound.

I've made the step and reconnected with old friends. This was a step I wouldn't have made had this not happened to me. That is sad. But out of every tragedy a good thing must happen. A month ago I had one friend. I know have five.

Without my friend's encouragement...I don't think I would be here and have the chance to move forward.

I love you girls.

Chump VS. Ego

So I have this friend that we'll call... Jeremy. He and I have been friends since kids and even worked together for a time. He's the type of friend who you keep at a distance and contact every once in a while through e-mail because you can only take him in small dozes. Any who, he's also getting divorced and so we have something else in common.

This past week we've been in contact more and even started texting....GASP!

Yeah, I know, very anticlimatic. HE found out and wasn't amused. As a matter of fact, he even questioned if Jeremy and I had sex. I admit, the opportunity was there and Jeremy was more than willing to help with the dry spell, but he isn't the type of person I am willing to do something so personal like sex for my first time besides my husband. Even I have standards.

Jeremy texted me about two nights ago asking for us to meet on Saturday. My day is free so I said, "Why not?" .... famous last words.

Apparently Jeremy that it would be good to tell me why he is a better person than Him. I am a loyal girl who is sweet and needs someone to take care of me. His comments started to become backhanded. "While he's with her, I'm waiting for you."

I don't need to be reminded that He chose someone else. I don't need to be reminded of that in any comment, which continued from that moment on. Needless to say, I started to become defensive and told him to fuck-off.

Jeremy didn't become fazed, he became more stubborn.

At the end of the day, it is safe to say, that my husband wasn't amused about his antics. He calls Jeremy a "Chump" which is a slang word in LA for a looser, low life, a guy who is a fail in all aspects and isn't considered a man in their eyes. It's a degoratory term in which us girls would equal to us calling a girl a cunt, whore, or even bitch.

Excuse my french.

I ended the so-called frienship because I think my enemies are more friendly than that.

And like my favorite book "Twilight" summarizes towards the end of one chapter:

Of three things I am certain:
1) He thinks Jeremy is a chump who is after only one thing... a notch under his belt... Me.
2) His ego has been injured and he feels the need to protect what he still believes belongs to him even though my ego was forced to allow him to move on.
3) I'll be investing in firefighter calendars because I don't even know if it's worth putting myself out there anymore.

Guys are just as complicated as girls and we are not the only ones who have a hard time letting go of grudges.

Moving On?

So as my friends know, but you the reader doesn't, He has moved on. That's right, not only do I have to deal with a divorce, but I have to deal with the fact that he has moved on with another girl.

She is a childhood friend, someone who when they were younger, he had a crush on but she was too mature being with the older guys. Now she has noticed him.

He says they are in love... whatever.

I have to sit and watch as he goes on to visit her after coming home from work. How is one supposed to deal with that? Some days are easier than others. I'm happy that he's happy, but I am also so goddamn humiliated and angry at the way he was able to move on so fast and even seems to flaunt the new girl.

The papers haven't even been filed!

So here I am sitting at home, writing in this blog, it's about 9:40pm and he just left to go comfort the girlfriend's daughter because apparently she lost a soccer game.

How about he stays and puts his kids to bed instead? Lord forbid that he starts acting as a parental role model now, right?

Before he left, he asked me if I've found someone. I happened to mention that a friend of mine showed interest and if I wanted, it could have gotten physical but I stopped before it did. He says he feels there is someone out there, that I'm moving on.

What does it matter if I am? I have that right, no? Why should he be able to see this girl in my face night after night but I can't even have a conversation with a guy without there being anything romantic involved?

Sigh.....why can't zombies be real and eat him?

Marriage VS. Divorce

I figured since he can't get away from me fast enough, I might as well get started on my own preparations and do some research on my own.

What I found out, was staggering.

It is so easy to get married and yet it's a circus to divorce.

To get married all you have to do is go to a court house...any court house and ask for a marriage liscence. You pay the fee which depends on your state, ($15.00) in Cali....and within an hour you can go to a little Chapel or even have one of their judges perform a small ceremony and you're married.

That's it!

To divorce....well, first you have to figure out which court your case would belong to. You have to meet the requirements of having lived in that city for at least 3 -6 months. The divorce fee in my state is $150.00, or so they say. Then comes the fun part....filling out a bunch of confusing forms, you know...who gets what in regards to finances, property, bills, kids. When you return the forms, it is most likely that you missed something or wrote something wrong. Once that is fixed, comes the waiting. The waiting can take as little as 6 months to a couple of years. Not kidding...apparently there is a waiting list and first come- first serve basis is in place.

If that is not fast enough, you can use lawyers. They fill out the forms and act as mediators when it comes to everything else. They charge a lot....in my case somewhere along $400/hour. If you have money left after that bill, congratulations. The waiting is a little shorter but not by that much.

I know for a fact, that if it was this hard to get married, a lot of men would think twice....or once in my case...if getting married is what they really want. The process alone would either reinforce the love and longing to be together or open your eyes and make you figure out that you really don't want to get married.

Divorce rates would be down.

It would have saved me 10 years of struggling to stay together for the baby...the babies, or families. And who knows, I would probably be married to someone who instead of running fast enough to get away from me, would be running towards me with open arms.

I hope you all think twice before doing something so drastic and life altering.